On Instilling Discipline Part 3

This is third in a series written to exchange thoughts and theories on parenting with other moms. If you are tempted to think that I'm too serious, peek at the blog title! Please deposit your 2 cents in the Messages (comments) section! Don't hold back--I'd love to hear what you have to say!

---11---
Don't be afraid to say the word NO. A child asks, "can we go outside?" Some adults will answer, "it's raining and cold." What does that tell the child? The child is thinking, "you're right--it's raining. So can we go out?" I always answer the child's question directly. I say yes or I say no. Sometimes I offer an explanation, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I answer yes or no and then say, "do you want to know why?" Sometimes I wait for the child to ask because I want them to ask. When the two year old gets near the stove and reaches up, telling them, "that's hot," is not going to do much for them. Saying "NO!" is going to stop them in their tracks. Telling a three year old, "that will make a mess," doesn't mean NO to them. It means that will make a mess. They want to make a mess. Just because we think that the word NO has negative connotations doesn't mean we should avoid using it, especially with children.

---12---
Let the older children help the younger ones. I struggle with this because I think that the children are all my responsibility, that the older ones should not have to help out (I feel that I had too much responsibility for my siblings when I was growing up). For example, the girls can get Isaiah out of his clothes and into a swim diaper as long as his bedroom door is closed. It's very helpful! Morgan can make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Morgan and Madeleine can zip and unzip each other's dresses. Noah can help Isaiah reach his drink. Madeleine can read her school book to Morgan who can help her with the tricky words. They're proud to help each other. They should be helping and teaching one another!

---13---
Phrase it positively. If I want my child to stop doing something, I tell them what I WANT them to do. For example, instead of saying, "Noah! Stop touching the TV!" I say, "Noah, take your hand off of the television." I really think that these kids hear us like the Peanuts heard adults, so I always think that when I say, "don't tease your brother," they actually hear, "wa-wa-wa tease your brother."

---14---
Heard often in my house:
Please don't ask again.
Well done!
Because I said so.
Your dad is amazing!
Who's the boss?
I didn't ask if you wanted to; I told you to do it.
I love you.

---15---
Follow through! If I tell the children to stop doing something or to start doing something and they don't stop/start what I've told them to do I GET UP AND MAKE THEM DO IT. I don't sit in my chair and call over and over and over (although sometimes I'll count). Words don't always work. Have you ever seen those kids in the store or the park whose parents are sitting on benches calling and yelling and not getting anywhere? Everybody in the store knows the child's first and middle names except for that child. I'm glad that my kids don't go to school with those kids!

---16---
Let them make choices about the small things. Do you want to wear the orange shoes or the blue shoes? Do you want ice in your water? Do you want dessert? Do you want to wear a sweater or a jacket? Would you rather invite your cousins or your classmates for your birthday party? Would you like to use the purple shampoo or the green shampoo?

---17---
Choose your battles. A parent must always win the battle or the children get to be in charge. If I threaten something, I follow through. Because of that, I'm careful about what I threaten to do. If one of the children is behaving poorly at the zoo, I don't threaten to leave the zoo unless I'm willing to do it because that involves four unhappy children. If I threaten to leave the zoo and the child misbehaves again, we leave. I don't pick a battle that I don't have the energy or the will to win.

---18---
Allow children to experience small (safe) natural consequences. If you wear only a jacket, you're going to be cold. If you wear your crocs out this morning, your feet will get wet and cold. If you continue to wrestle near the coffee table, you're going to hit your head. Are you sure you think my coffee tastes good? Want a sip? It's 50 degrees outdoors. If you wear that skirt outside, you'll get cold. If you don't bring that drink along, you're going to be thirsty. You wanted to bring it along; I'm not going to carry it.

---19---
Offer a "next time" clause. Rather than becoming upset about little things that my children may or may not realize were wrong, I'll instruct them toward next time. Noah, remember that you can't stand on the toilet seat when you're using the sink. Next time, I want you to use the step stool. Morgan, next time you take a shower, I want you to hang up your towel afterward. Next time you want an apple, Madeleine, you must ask before you take it.

---20---
I say yes, too. Mom, may I have a third cookie? Can we go to the park with the lake? Can we invite Jane Doe over? Can we put on our swimsuits and dance in the rain? If I make a mess, will you get upset? Can we wash our cars with the hose? May I take pictures with your camera? Do we have the best daddy ever?

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Part 4 is in the works.
What do you have to add?