On Instilling Discipline Part 1

The definition of an expert is one who has practiced actively in their field for 10 years. According to that definition, I am not yet an expert parent nor do I claim to be! I have been parenting for nearly seven years, though, which means I must carry at least a Master's degree, right? I'm not sure that a University or a panel of my peers would award me the degree but I'll write this anyway! I've learned a lot in the last seven years by trial and error and also by the example of other parents and the wisdom of the children's grandparents. Here we go with Part 1:

---1---

Clean up big messes piece by piece.
When there's a big mess in the basement (our toy room), I gather the children and come downstairs with a bowl of M&Ms or Skittles. I explain to them that we need to clean up the toy room and that after they pick up and put away 3 things, I will give them an M&M. Each child gets busy and is enthusiastic. We repeat, repeat, repeat until the room is clean. This works very well when Mom is nursing a baby and can't do much except sit.

---2---

Give incentives when tasks are difficult.

On days when it's very cold and I know that my kids need fresh air and exercise, I tell them that if they go outside for 20 minutes (or whatever is bearable) that they may have hot cocoa for a snack. If the children are unmotivated to get up and play or to read a book, I offer a small reward for X amount of minutes spent on the new activity. For example, Morgan had math homework that she was struggling with and she was crying and frustrated. I got a package of Smartees out of the cupboard. Everytime she would complete a problem without pouting, crying, or fussing, I would give her one Smartee. Gradually, I increased to two problems per Smartee, then three, then four, etc., until the worksheet was done. Instead of being stressed out, we were finished and happy!

---3---

Make a statement.
When I want my children to do something, I don't ask; I tell. For example, I want Noah to get dressed. I say, "Noah, I want you to get dressed, please." I do not say, "do you want to get dressed?" The second, a question, leaves him an option. He could say no and then I must insist which sometimes invites an argument. When I need to run errands, I say, "get your shoes on, please, and get into the car!" I do not say, "do you want to go run errands?" I ask only if I am certain of their answer .... "Do you want to go to Grandma's house?"

---4---

Time is on your side.
When it's time to turn off the TV or stop playing or is the end time to something fun, I always give a timed warning. Often, I set a timer. I'll say, "Morgan, Madeleine, Noah, you have five more minutes with the play dough. When the timer goes off, we're putting it away." Another example is, "when the timer goes off, we are turning off the television and going outside." They protest sometimes but they rarely put up a fuss when they know what's coming. The timer can be a mom's best friend. After all, if someone was going to shut off a TV show I was watching, I'd want to know ahead of time. If someone came in and shut the TV off in the middle of my show and told me to go outside, I'd be angry!

---5---

Time for sharing
Speaking of the timer, my sister-in-law taught me how to help small children share. When Child #1 has a toy that Child #2 wants, especially if it belongs to Child #2, the best way to help them share is to set a timer. I tell the children that I will set the timer. Child #1 has the toy for five more minutes. When the timer goes off, Child #2 will have the toy for five minutes, then repeat if necessary. By the time the second timer goes off, the children are usually busy with other things.

---6---

Yes, we spank occasionally.
I do not like spanking. I do spank my children when they need it. I spank for two types of offenses: blatant disrespect and dangerous behavior. Blatant disrespect is a broad category but mostly involves defiance toward an adult. Dangerous behavior is, for example, biking into the street, playing with something dangerous in the house (electrical outlet!) or pushing a sibling off of the swing set. When the offense takes place, I tell the child to go to my room and wait for me. I get the other children busy and go into my room with the first child, explain what they did wrong, and tell them that I'm going to spank. I deliver one spank for each year of the child's age. After that, they have a time out, at one minute per year of age, to cool off and collect themselves. After time out, they apologize and then I hug them to end the time out.

Spanking doesn't always go by the book--if one of my children continues a naughty behavior and they've had warnings and time outs, I will spank to get my point across. Happily, that doesn't happen often (I don't remember the last time I spanked one of the girls). I do not like to spank.

---7---

My kitchen is not a restaurant ...
... and I am not a short order cook. My children eat what I make or they do not eat. If they are struggling with something on their plate, I will tell them to take as many bites as they are years old. Morgan must take six bites. Maddie must take five bites. Noah takes four bites. The bites they are required to eat will allow them to be excused from the table. If they want dessert (on the rare occasion that I serve it) then they must eat everything. If they're struggling with something that I know they're capable of eating, I'll get cookies out of the cupboard as an incentive.

On the other hand, I do not force them to eat things like onions or salsa and the portions that I put on their plates are very small--less than I think they'll actually eat. I try to make things that taste good, are healthy, and are easy to put down. Morgan doesn't like plain tomatoes so I ask her to eat just one piece. Also, I don't ask my children whether or not they want a certain dish. I give them small amounts and I might ask if they want more. The only things I offer a choice on are desserts and condiments. This might surprise you: Madeleine will turn down dessert if she is full!

---8---

Catch the children doing good things.
When a child does something that makes me happy, I praise them. I try to notice things that they've done well and point out exactly what it is that pleased me. I praise my children often.

---9---

Don't take a vote if you can't predict the outcome.
When it is time to choose an activity or a movie for the whole family, I do not take a vote. Taking a vote only means that I could get four different opinions and only one person could end up happy (and the other three would make him miserable). When we are headed to the park, I pick the park. When we are going to pick up food, I pick the restaurant. Occasionally, I will take one child aside, perhaps the one who needs a little extra love on that day, and ask them what they want to do or eat. Otherwise, I make the decisions.

---10---

Let the kids get dirty.
I let my children play in sand and water, sometimes mud if we have adequate time to clean up. If it's messy outdoors where they want to play, I change them into darker clothing.

Part 2 is written and will be published soon.

What works for you?