Deep Thought (not by Stuart Smalley)

I'm okay with my current size.  Yes, I'd like to take off another 10-15 pounds or so, but more for my own well-being than my appearance.  It's easy to allow one's self to be dissatisfied with a post-baby body.  It's hard to have a post-baby body.  Few women I know go back to their original size after a baby ... or two ... or three ... or five.  I don't!  My tummy will always be a bit poochy and my girls, well, my "girls" will never be the same after the nursing of five children.  The "maternal stores" will probably not disappear, and the stretch marks will always be there.  I managed somehow, probably by a lucky gene, to escape the scourge of varicose veins.  I do have one long shiny scar on my abdomen that, although it faded from red to pink to white, will not shrink, will never disappear.  That's okay with me. I've got five healthy kids to show for it.  And if I'm leading those five healthy kids through the grocery store, through the zoo, or on a walk, I'd hate for someone to think that I'm their hot college-age nanny.  So I'm okay with my body the way it is.  God used it to make my children and my children are my crown jewels.

Snarky Stuff I've Been Meaning to Say

1.  Dear Texas Driver, We in Nebraska have noticed that when it snows, it is helpful to clear the snow off of the rear window of the vehicle before driving.  It allows us to see what's behind us.  You should try it.  Love,  The Person Behind You

2.  Dear Monster Truck Owner, I want you to know that I am amused whenever I see or hear a truck with loud exhaust, humongous tires, or a double rear axle (sans farm tags).  In fact, I often snicker to myself.  These features on a truck scream, "I'M COMPENSATING FOR LACK OF SOMETHING ELSE!" and I know what it is.  Love, The Annoyed City Dweller

3.  Dear Small Town Drivers, We are happy to have you as guests in our city!  We realize that you are unfamiliar with the city and its streets.  However, speed limits are posted at regular intervals through our city.  When the sign says 25MPH, it does not mean 40MPH.  When the sign says 45MPH, it does not mean 25MPH.  Also, please remember to use your turn signals and do not slam on your brakes every two blocks while you are looking for your turn.  You will be rear ended eventually if you keep up that behavior.  Love, The Small City Driver

4.  Dear Other Drivers, I have researched specs on many, many vehicles.  I have yet to find a vehicle that was made without turn signals.  Therefore, my conclusion is that your car most certainly has a turn signal.  Use it.  Love, Aubrey

P.S. Remember to turn your signal off when you are finished using it.

5.  Dear Lady Gaga, You are really weird.  Love, Aubrey

Meat Free Monday

I've just discovered Meat Free Monday, a concept introduced by Paul McCartney and detailed HERE at the cause's website.  The intro reads:

     By giving up meat for one day each week you can save money, reduce your environmental impact and live a healthier life.
     In 2006, a United Nations Food and Agricultural Organization report, Livestock’s Long Shadow, highlighted the environmental impact of meat-eating and the importance of making more environmentally and socially conscious food choices. In 2009, we launched the Meat Free Monday campaign as a simple and straightforward idea to show everyone the value of eating less meat – and to make it easier for us all to do so.
     We’re not asking you to give up meat completely, we’re encouraging you to do your bit to help protect our planet. By joining together in having one meat-free day each week we’ll be making great steps towards reducing the environmental problems associated with the meat industry. You’ll also be giving your own health a boost, and with the added benefit that vegetables cost less than meat, having one meat-free day each week means it’s good for your pocket too.

I laugh and laugh and laugh--because that's what I do best--at this concept.  Why doesn't everyone just become Catholic?  We give up meat every Friday and have been doing it since waaaaay back before Paul McCartney was born ... maybe.  I guess he is kind of old.

Good grief.  This world is full of Catholic wanna-be people who haven't yet realized their full potential.  They wanna celebrate St. Patrick's day, Valentine's Day, Mardi Gras, Christmas, practice meditation and fasting, contemplation, charitable work, they want to save the environment, encourage pacifism, women's rights, and respect for all things living (except baby humans, of course).  Take care of the needy, visit the sick, man ... we're even anti-death penalty (mostly, or at least I am). Oh yeah, and we also have this thing called the Sabbath: a whole entire day of mandatory rest.  Woo-hoo!

Do it already, people.  Take the step.  Join RCIA.  Get it over with.  Be Catholic.  Give up meat once a week.  Change the world!

Boys for Sale

I am offering two little boys for sale.  Both are adorable, have blond hair, blue eyes, are of Czech and German ancestry, were breastfed, and have all their shots.  Both are baptized Roman Catholics.  Both are named, but they don't respond to them anyway, so you could change that.

 ::

The six year old would make a good only-child.  He does not play well with people to whom he is related.  He is good at repeating himself; would make a good son for someone who is hard of hearing.  He asks questions all day long and is in need of constant attention.  He does not like to go to the basement by himself.  He would make a good burglar alarm, for his vocal chords can emit the highest pitch of scream you desire.  He is toilet trained.  He loves babies.  He thinks the back of the bathtub is a water slide.  He likes to clean the kitchen table, but not his bedroom.  He does not like to hang up clothes and therefore would not need a closet; he could live out of a laundry basket.  He is halfway through kindergarten and will attend full time school next year.  He loves camping, fishing, and the great outdoors, especially if there are things to be burned, bones to be found, horses to feed, or insects to be caught. 

The three year old would make a good companion for someone--with or without a stool--who has trouble reaching the topmost cupboards.  He would also make a good companion for someone who cannot open a bottle or can of soda.  He is a good climber, a good jumper, a quick runner, and likes to get his way.  He is quite contrary but quickly changes his opinion if the adult agrees with his contradiction.  One must use reverse psychology to work with him, and must make everything a contest.  He enjoys finger painting with chocolate Malt-O-Meal and enjoys giving his guys baths in breakfast cereal and milk.  He will need his shoes to be superglued to his feet because he can never find them.  He is mostly toilet trained ... when he wants to be.  He tends to omit the first sound of an S word.  For example, he says kittles for Skittles, mash for smash, pider for spider, pell for smell, and tack for snack.  He laughs when he farts, and, amidst the giggles, asks, "what's that pell?"  He prefers tacks (snacks) to meals, and is able to dig sweets out of the cupboard without the help of an adult.  He prefers walking to riding in a cart, and is happiest when he is the center of attention.  He likes to be tickled and wrestled with.  He pokes babies' eyes.  He loves to take baths and does not fear water.  He loves to be outdoors.  He loves horses, Star Wars, and dogs.

::

Prices are $6 for the six year old, $3 for the three year old, cash only.  All sales are final.  We cannot accept returns.  We might barter a trade for a little girl or two.

::

Hurry, supplies are limited!  Order now to have them shipped to you by Christmas!

Diction 101

There is no R in the word wash.  There is no X in the word especially.  There is no X in the word espresso.