---21---
Build confidence. When my children proudly bring me their pictures, I cannot always tell what they have drawn. Instead of saying, "what is this?" I say, "tell me about your picture!" Wish I could say that was my idea but I read the Babysitters' Club when I was an adolescent.
---22---
Treat others... When my children were very young, we spent a lot of time with my grandparents. After one bad spill at the lunch table, my grandma said something to me casually after the meal. She said, "you know, when my kids were little, I used to get upset when they spilled things and then I realized that I spill things, too." Unless my children had already been warned or were deliberate, I do not get upset when they make a mess. I usually require them to clean it up, though! When I spill something, I say, "See? Mommy spills too."
If the children break something when they were being careful (as opposed to misbehaving) I do not get upset but I require them to tell me when something is broken. If it's something that was special to me and I'm upset, I leave the room for a little while. I always say, "thank you for telling me."
---23---
First things first. Monsignor gave a good piece of advice to a friend of mine who was concerned about chores vs. time with her children. He advised her to start the day by spending one hour of quality time with the children. He said that after that hour, she could begin chores without feeling guilty because she would know that she had put her children first that day.
---24---
Plan ahead. When we are attending a play date or going into a public place, I almost always discuss my expectations with my children ahead of time. When they know what's expected of them, they behave better. For example, before we enter a store, I turn to the back seats and say, "What do I expect in the store?" The kids usually respond with my 3 rules: stay with mom, stay quiet, keep our hands to ourselves.
On a side note, I almost always do my shopping by myself. I go at night after the kids go to bed or go on the weekend when Jeremy's home. It's much less stressful that way.
---25---
Speak their language. I learned the love languages of my children. Does it sound like cheesy psycho-babble? It works for me! Gary Chapman is the author of many books, several of which are about Love Languages. Visit this site to read more.
---26---
Comfort zone ... When my kids are throwing a tantrum and an official time out is not appropriate, I take them to their bed, place them in it, and tell them that they can come downstairs when they are finished crying. If they come down crying, I calmly but firmly take them back to their bed. Their special blankets are in their bed and it's quiet and peaceful in their bedroom. Usually they come downstairs much calmer.
---27---
Countdown ... When Noah is fussing about something or crying in time out or at a store, I stop, put my finger on his mouth, and tell him in a stern but calm voice, "I'm going to count to five and you will be quiet then. Control yourself." Then I count slowly and quietly: One ... two ... three ... four ... five. It works well for him. Remember your Lamaze classes? I also have him blow air on my hand when he is really worked up. It's all part of being 4. Hugs help him, too.
---28---
Fight the boredom. I keep a list of activities taped on the inside of a closet door. When we are bored, I go read the list. It's amazing how I will forget about simple things like bubbles, balloons, a nearby park, or kick-ball. I also have a book called Unplugged Play which is a great resource for a mom who's out of ideas. When I'm tired and don't feel like active play, I read to them.
---29---
Modify with rewards. Jeremy just came home from Target with little notebooks for each of the 3 older kids. He calls them passports. We pick a target behavior for each child--Morgan needs to work on getting dressed without complaining or fighting me on what I ask her to wear. Madeleine needs to work on getting ready for school in the morning quickly without dawdling. Noah needs to control his defiance. For each day that they adhere to this target behavior, they are given a sticker to put on a page in their passport. They can decorate the page if they wish. When they fill up their passport, we will reward them. We might go to Chuck E. Cheese, we might get them a new, small toy. The target behavior may change before the passport is full.
---30---
Medicine distribution ... Jeremy and I agreed that only one of us would administer medications to the children. Since I'm home all day, it's me. Unless I am gone, I am the only one who gives medicine to the children. If I have to be gone when they need medicine, I leave a specific note or chart. This way, we'll reduce and almost eliminate the risk of double dosing.
::
We rule with firm but loving hands. There is lots of affection in our house. I try to remember to touch the children every time I walk by them. I'll put my hand on their hair, their back, their shoulders, or a quick squeeze to their knee (it's so fun to watch them giggle and squirm). I never push my children away when they come for a hug; I always hug back, even if I don't feel like it. We always tuck the children in. When my babies were little, I nursed them to sleep and enjoyed every minute of it. When my children are sick and fall asleep in my arms, I'll sit and rock with them until my arms go numb. There's nothing more peaceful than a sleeping child. In fact, that's when I think that I love my kids the most: when they're sleeping. I go and watch their peaceful little faces rest and their chests rise and fall. That's when I think I want 15 of them. Then they wake up and I think to myself, "one at a time."
What do you have to add? I'd love to hear it!
Showing posts with label Discipline. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Discipline. Show all posts
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
On Instilling Discipline Part 4
Before I move on to the rest of my list, I feel that I should address the messages left by other moms! You guys always have something good to add!
When we make up our house rules, we always figure in a bit of flexibility. The rules are not always black and white and our reaction to the children's behavior, both positive and negative, is fluid. Our rules change as the children mature and their needs change. Our rules will also change as the children have a particular behavior to work on.
Sometimes when we issue a punishment, we will give the child a second chance. For example, I've warned Morgan about her behavior and told her that she'll go to bed early if she repeats it. She repeats it and is sent to bed early. She goes to bed kicking and screaming. If she's truly sorry, she might be given a second chance--especially if she asks for it. Sometimes instead of putting Noah in a time out or giving him a spanking, I will send him to his room for fifteen minutes. The idea is that if he can't play nicely with others, he'll have to play by himself. I'll stray from the black-and-white punishments or rewards if I can think of something a little more creative or a little more relevant. When someone slams a door, I ask them to open and close it quietly one time for each year of their age. It's good practice.
When I said don't be afraid to say no, I meant that we don't tiptoe around a no by only saying the why. I like to be direct with the children because they don't understand nuance and definitely don't understand sarcasm. And I do offer the why to go with the no more often than not. Like Jenny said, it's beneficial to say, "No! That's hot," rather than just no. Elm wondered if we ever have to say maybe and the answer is yes. If I have to say maybe then I'll usually offer the explanation as to why it might become yes or why it might become no. Diane had a good point: if we use no too much, our children will parrot the no back to us and that's a pain in the rear end. On the other hand, there are (rare) times when my answer is no and I will respond to the why with because I said so. Oh, motherhood can be tricky!
Colleen made a good point about saying yes. I don't want to tell the kids no for something like, "can you play with me," when I should be saying yes if it's possible--even when I'm tired.
Most importantly, we are as consistent as possible. Part 5 is scheduled for Thursday. I'm looking forward to your comments, messages, and suggestions!
When we make up our house rules, we always figure in a bit of flexibility. The rules are not always black and white and our reaction to the children's behavior, both positive and negative, is fluid. Our rules change as the children mature and their needs change. Our rules will also change as the children have a particular behavior to work on.
Sometimes when we issue a punishment, we will give the child a second chance. For example, I've warned Morgan about her behavior and told her that she'll go to bed early if she repeats it. She repeats it and is sent to bed early. She goes to bed kicking and screaming. If she's truly sorry, she might be given a second chance--especially if she asks for it. Sometimes instead of putting Noah in a time out or giving him a spanking, I will send him to his room for fifteen minutes. The idea is that if he can't play nicely with others, he'll have to play by himself. I'll stray from the black-and-white punishments or rewards if I can think of something a little more creative or a little more relevant. When someone slams a door, I ask them to open and close it quietly one time for each year of their age. It's good practice.
When I said don't be afraid to say no, I meant that we don't tiptoe around a no by only saying the why. I like to be direct with the children because they don't understand nuance and definitely don't understand sarcasm. And I do offer the why to go with the no more often than not. Like Jenny said, it's beneficial to say, "No! That's hot," rather than just no. Elm wondered if we ever have to say maybe and the answer is yes. If I have to say maybe then I'll usually offer the explanation as to why it might become yes or why it might become no. Diane had a good point: if we use no too much, our children will parrot the no back to us and that's a pain in the rear end. On the other hand, there are (rare) times when my answer is no and I will respond to the why with because I said so. Oh, motherhood can be tricky!
Colleen made a good point about saying yes. I don't want to tell the kids no for something like, "can you play with me," when I should be saying yes if it's possible--even when I'm tired.
Most importantly, we are as consistent as possible. Part 5 is scheduled for Thursday. I'm looking forward to your comments, messages, and suggestions!
On Instilling Discipline Part 3
This is third in a series written to exchange thoughts and theories on parenting with other moms. If you are tempted to think that I'm too serious, peek at the blog title! Please deposit your 2 cents in the Messages (comments) section! Don't hold back--I'd love to hear what you have to say!
---11---
Don't be afraid to say the word NO. A child asks, "can we go outside?" Some adults will answer, "it's raining and cold." What does that tell the child? The child is thinking, "you're right--it's raining. So can we go out?" I always answer the child's question directly. I say yes or I say no. Sometimes I offer an explanation, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I answer yes or no and then say, "do you want to know why?" Sometimes I wait for the child to ask because I want them to ask. When the two year old gets near the stove and reaches up, telling them, "that's hot," is not going to do much for them. Saying "NO!" is going to stop them in their tracks. Telling a three year old, "that will make a mess," doesn't mean NO to them. It means that will make a mess. They want to make a mess. Just because we think that the word NO has negative connotations doesn't mean we should avoid using it, especially with children.
---12---
Let the older children help the younger ones. I struggle with this because I think that the children are all my responsibility, that the older ones should not have to help out (I feel that I had too much responsibility for my siblings when I was growing up). For example, the girls can get Isaiah out of his clothes and into a swim diaper as long as his bedroom door is closed. It's very helpful! Morgan can make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Morgan and Madeleine can zip and unzip each other's dresses. Noah can help Isaiah reach his drink. Madeleine can read her school book to Morgan who can help her with the tricky words. They're proud to help each other. They should be helping and teaching one another!
---13---
Phrase it positively. If I want my child to stop doing something, I tell them what I WANT them to do. For example, instead of saying, "Noah! Stop touching the TV!" I say, "Noah, take your hand off of the television." I really think that these kids hear us like the Peanuts heard adults, so I always think that when I say, "don't tease your brother," they actually hear, "wa-wa-wa tease your brother."
---14---
Heard often in my house:
Please don't ask again.
Well done!
Because I said so.
Your dad is amazing!
Who's the boss?
I didn't ask if you wanted to; I told you to do it.
I love you.
---15---
Follow through! If I tell the children to stop doing something or to start doing something and they don't stop/start what I've told them to do I GET UP AND MAKE THEM DO IT. I don't sit in my chair and call over and over and over (although sometimes I'll count). Words don't always work. Have you ever seen those kids in the store or the park whose parents are sitting on benches calling and yelling and not getting anywhere? Everybody in the store knows the child's first and middle names except for that child. I'm glad that my kids don't go to school with those kids!
---16---
Let them make choices about the small things. Do you want to wear the orange shoes or the blue shoes? Do you want ice in your water? Do you want dessert? Do you want to wear a sweater or a jacket? Would you rather invite your cousins or your classmates for your birthday party? Would you like to use the purple shampoo or the green shampoo?
---17---
Choose your battles. A parent must always win the battle or the children get to be in charge. If I threaten something, I follow through. Because of that, I'm careful about what I threaten to do. If one of the children is behaving poorly at the zoo, I don't threaten to leave the zoo unless I'm willing to do it because that involves four unhappy children. If I threaten to leave the zoo and the child misbehaves again, we leave. I don't pick a battle that I don't have the energy or the will to win.
---18---
Allow children to experience small (safe) natural consequences. If you wear only a jacket, you're going to be cold. If you wear your crocs out this morning, your feet will get wet and cold. If you continue to wrestle near the coffee table, you're going to hit your head. Are you sure you think my coffee tastes good? Want a sip? It's 50 degrees outdoors. If you wear that skirt outside, you'll get cold. If you don't bring that drink along, you're going to be thirsty. You wanted to bring it along; I'm not going to carry it.
---19---
Offer a "next time" clause. Rather than becoming upset about little things that my children may or may not realize were wrong, I'll instruct them toward next time. Noah, remember that you can't stand on the toilet seat when you're using the sink. Next time, I want you to use the step stool. Morgan, next time you take a shower, I want you to hang up your towel afterward. Next time you want an apple, Madeleine, you must ask before you take it.
---20---
I say yes, too. Mom, may I have a third cookie? Can we go to the park with the lake? Can we invite Jane Doe over? Can we put on our swimsuits and dance in the rain? If I make a mess, will you get upset? Can we wash our cars with the hose? May I take pictures with your camera? Do we have the best daddy ever?
::
Part 4 is in the works.
What do you have to add?
---11---
Don't be afraid to say the word NO. A child asks, "can we go outside?" Some adults will answer, "it's raining and cold." What does that tell the child? The child is thinking, "you're right--it's raining. So can we go out?" I always answer the child's question directly. I say yes or I say no. Sometimes I offer an explanation, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I answer yes or no and then say, "do you want to know why?" Sometimes I wait for the child to ask because I want them to ask. When the two year old gets near the stove and reaches up, telling them, "that's hot," is not going to do much for them. Saying "NO!" is going to stop them in their tracks. Telling a three year old, "that will make a mess," doesn't mean NO to them. It means that will make a mess. They want to make a mess. Just because we think that the word NO has negative connotations doesn't mean we should avoid using it, especially with children.
---12---
Let the older children help the younger ones. I struggle with this because I think that the children are all my responsibility, that the older ones should not have to help out (I feel that I had too much responsibility for my siblings when I was growing up). For example, the girls can get Isaiah out of his clothes and into a swim diaper as long as his bedroom door is closed. It's very helpful! Morgan can make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Morgan and Madeleine can zip and unzip each other's dresses. Noah can help Isaiah reach his drink. Madeleine can read her school book to Morgan who can help her with the tricky words. They're proud to help each other. They should be helping and teaching one another!
---13---
Phrase it positively. If I want my child to stop doing something, I tell them what I WANT them to do. For example, instead of saying, "Noah! Stop touching the TV!" I say, "Noah, take your hand off of the television." I really think that these kids hear us like the Peanuts heard adults, so I always think that when I say, "don't tease your brother," they actually hear, "wa-wa-wa tease your brother."
---14---
Heard often in my house:
Please don't ask again.
Well done!
Because I said so.
Your dad is amazing!
Who's the boss?
I didn't ask if you wanted to; I told you to do it.
I love you.
---15---
Follow through! If I tell the children to stop doing something or to start doing something and they don't stop/start what I've told them to do I GET UP AND MAKE THEM DO IT. I don't sit in my chair and call over and over and over (although sometimes I'll count). Words don't always work. Have you ever seen those kids in the store or the park whose parents are sitting on benches calling and yelling and not getting anywhere? Everybody in the store knows the child's first and middle names except for that child. I'm glad that my kids don't go to school with those kids!
---16---
Let them make choices about the small things. Do you want to wear the orange shoes or the blue shoes? Do you want ice in your water? Do you want dessert? Do you want to wear a sweater or a jacket? Would you rather invite your cousins or your classmates for your birthday party? Would you like to use the purple shampoo or the green shampoo?
---17---
Choose your battles. A parent must always win the battle or the children get to be in charge. If I threaten something, I follow through. Because of that, I'm careful about what I threaten to do. If one of the children is behaving poorly at the zoo, I don't threaten to leave the zoo unless I'm willing to do it because that involves four unhappy children. If I threaten to leave the zoo and the child misbehaves again, we leave. I don't pick a battle that I don't have the energy or the will to win.
---18---
Allow children to experience small (safe) natural consequences. If you wear only a jacket, you're going to be cold. If you wear your crocs out this morning, your feet will get wet and cold. If you continue to wrestle near the coffee table, you're going to hit your head. Are you sure you think my coffee tastes good? Want a sip? It's 50 degrees outdoors. If you wear that skirt outside, you'll get cold. If you don't bring that drink along, you're going to be thirsty. You wanted to bring it along; I'm not going to carry it.
---19---
Offer a "next time" clause. Rather than becoming upset about little things that my children may or may not realize were wrong, I'll instruct them toward next time. Noah, remember that you can't stand on the toilet seat when you're using the sink. Next time, I want you to use the step stool. Morgan, next time you take a shower, I want you to hang up your towel afterward. Next time you want an apple, Madeleine, you must ask before you take it.
---20---
I say yes, too. Mom, may I have a third cookie? Can we go to the park with the lake? Can we invite Jane Doe over? Can we put on our swimsuits and dance in the rain? If I make a mess, will you get upset? Can we wash our cars with the hose? May I take pictures with your camera? Do we have the best daddy ever?
::
Part 4 is in the works.
What do you have to add?
Friday, March 27, 2009
On Instilling Discipline Part 2
So I'm thinking that my earlier post on child rearing made the Laughing house (that's us) sound like it's flowing with milk and honey candy. No...I assure you, this is not the case. The incentives we offer are offered in moderation. After all, it's about behavior modification and maintenance, not about spoiling. We use incentives to ease the stress of a situation so that we're moving along rather than struggling. The last time that I had to use Smartees to get homework done was several months ago (and they, for some reason, don't expect this every time). Morgan cleaned up her room the other day, came down the stairs, and asked for a reward. I turned her down and explained that I just plain expected them to take care of their room and of their bathroom. But ...
There is definitely one area where I could use some advice. Well ... there are many areas that I could use advice, but let's start with this one. I know I need to give the children regular responsibility (jobs) around the house. I'm not sure why I haven't assigned regular chores to the children. I want to and I know I should. Maybe I think that I had too much responsibility at home when I was growing up or maybe I think it'd just be easier to do it myself most of the time. Whatever the reason, I need to get past it and start delegating. Does anyone have specific suggestions for this? How much do I expect from a seven year old? What do I expect of a four year old? What chores do you assign?
Parts 3 and 4 are coming soon!
Please deposit your 2 cents in the Messages/Comments section. Don't hold back!
There is definitely one area where I could use some advice. Well ... there are many areas that I could use advice, but let's start with this one. I know I need to give the children regular responsibility (jobs) around the house. I'm not sure why I haven't assigned regular chores to the children. I want to and I know I should. Maybe I think that I had too much responsibility at home when I was growing up or maybe I think it'd just be easier to do it myself most of the time. Whatever the reason, I need to get past it and start delegating. Does anyone have specific suggestions for this? How much do I expect from a seven year old? What do I expect of a four year old? What chores do you assign?
Parts 3 and 4 are coming soon!
Please deposit your 2 cents in the Messages/Comments section. Don't hold back!
Thursday, March 26, 2009
On Instilling Discipline Part 1
The definition of an expert is one who has practiced actively in their field for 10 years. According to that definition, I am not yet an expert parent nor do I claim to be! I have been parenting for nearly seven years, though, which means I must carry at least a Master's degree, right? I'm not sure that a University or a panel of my peers would award me the degree but I'll write this anyway! I've learned a lot in the last seven years by trial and error and also by the example of other parents and the wisdom of the children's grandparents. Here we go with Part 1:
When there's a big mess in the basement (our toy room), I gather the children and come downstairs with a bowl of M&Ms or Skittles. I explain to them that we need to clean up the toy room and that after they pick up and put away 3 things, I will give them an M&M. Each child gets busy and is enthusiastic. We repeat, repeat, repeat until the room is clean. This works very well when Mom is nursing a baby and can't do much except sit.
When I want my children to do something, I don't ask; I tell. For example, I want Noah to get dressed. I say, "Noah, I want you to get dressed, please." I do not say, "do you want to get dressed?" The second, a question, leaves him an option. He could say no and then I must insist which sometimes invites an argument. When I need to run errands, I say, "get your shoes on, please, and get into the car!" I do not say, "do you want to go run errands?" I ask only if I am certain of their answer .... "Do you want to go to Grandma's house?"
When it's time to turn off the TV or stop playing or is the end time to something fun, I always give a timed warning. Often, I set a timer. I'll say, "Morgan, Madeleine, Noah, you have five more minutes with the play dough. When the timer goes off, we're putting it away." Another example is, "when the timer goes off, we are turning off the television and going outside." They protest sometimes but they rarely put up a fuss when they know what's coming. The timer can be a mom's best friend. After all, if someone was going to shut off a TV show I was watching, I'd want to know ahead of time. If someone came in and shut the TV off in the middle of my show and told me to go outside, I'd be angry!
Speaking of the timer, my sister-in-law taught me how to help small children share. When Child #1 has a toy that Child #2 wants, especially if it belongs to Child #2, the best way to help them share is to set a timer. I tell the children that I will set the timer. Child #1 has the toy for five more minutes. When the timer goes off, Child #2 will have the toy for five minutes, then repeat if necessary. By the time the second timer goes off, the children are usually busy with other things.
I do not like spanking. I do spank my children when they need it. I spank for two types of offenses: blatant disrespect and dangerous behavior. Blatant disrespect is a broad category but mostly involves defiance toward an adult. Dangerous behavior is, for example, biking into the street, playing with something dangerous in the house (electrical outlet!) or pushing a sibling off of the swing set. When the offense takes place, I tell the child to go to my room and wait for me. I get the other children busy and go into my room with the first child, explain what they did wrong, and tell them that I'm going to spank. I deliver one spank for each year of the child's age. After that, they have a time out, at one minute per year of age, to cool off and collect themselves. After time out, they apologize and then I hug them to end the time out.
Spanking doesn't always go by the book--if one of my children continues a naughty behavior and they've had warnings and time outs, I will spank to get my point across. Happily, that doesn't happen often (I don't remember the last time I spanked one of the girls). I do not like to spank.
... and I am not a short order cook. My children eat what I make or they do not eat. If they are struggling with something on their plate, I will tell them to take as many bites as they are years old. Morgan must take six bites. Maddie must take five bites. Noah takes four bites. The bites they are required to eat will allow them to be excused from the table. If they want dessert (on the rare occasion that I serve it) then they must eat everything. If they're struggling with something that I know they're capable of eating, I'll get cookies out of the cupboard as an incentive.
On the other hand, I do not force them to eat things like onions or salsa and the portions that I put on their plates are very small--less than I think they'll actually eat. I try to make things that taste good, are healthy, and are easy to put down. Morgan doesn't like plain tomatoes so I ask her to eat just one piece. Also, I don't ask my children whether or not they want a certain dish. I give them small amounts and I might ask if they want more. The only things I offer a choice on are desserts and condiments. This might surprise you: Madeleine will turn down dessert if she is full!
When a child does something that makes me happy, I praise them. I try to notice things that they've done well and point out exactly what it is that pleased me. I praise my children often.
When it is time to choose an activity or a movie for the whole family, I do not take a vote. Taking a vote only means that I could get four different opinions and only one person could end up happy (and the other three would make him miserable). When we are headed to the park, I pick the park. When we are going to pick up food, I pick the restaurant. Occasionally, I will take one child aside, perhaps the one who needs a little extra love on that day, and ask them what they want to do or eat. Otherwise, I make the decisions.
I let my children play in sand and water, sometimes mud if we have adequate time to clean up. If it's messy outdoors where they want to play, I change them into darker clothing.
---1---
Clean up big messes piece by piece.When there's a big mess in the basement (our toy room), I gather the children and come downstairs with a bowl of M&Ms or Skittles. I explain to them that we need to clean up the toy room and that after they pick up and put away 3 things, I will give them an M&M. Each child gets busy and is enthusiastic. We repeat, repeat, repeat until the room is clean. This works very well when Mom is nursing a baby and can't do much except sit.
---2---
Give incentives when tasks are difficult.
On days when it's very cold and I know that my kids need fresh air and exercise, I tell them that if they go outside for 20 minutes (or whatever is bearable) that they may have hot cocoa for a snack. If the children are unmotivated to get up and play or to read a book, I offer a small reward for X amount of minutes spent on the new activity. For example, Morgan had math homework that she was struggling with and she was crying and frustrated. I got a package of Smartees out of the cupboard. Everytime she would complete a problem without pouting, crying, or fussing, I would give her one Smartee. Gradually, I increased to two problems per Smartee, then three, then four, etc., until the worksheet was done. Instead of being stressed out, we were finished and happy!---3---
Make a statement.When I want my children to do something, I don't ask; I tell. For example, I want Noah to get dressed. I say, "Noah, I want you to get dressed, please." I do not say, "do you want to get dressed?" The second, a question, leaves him an option. He could say no and then I must insist which sometimes invites an argument. When I need to run errands, I say, "get your shoes on, please, and get into the car!" I do not say, "do you want to go run errands?" I ask only if I am certain of their answer .... "Do you want to go to Grandma's house?"
---4---
Time is on your side.When it's time to turn off the TV or stop playing or is the end time to something fun, I always give a timed warning. Often, I set a timer. I'll say, "Morgan, Madeleine, Noah, you have five more minutes with the play dough. When the timer goes off, we're putting it away." Another example is, "when the timer goes off, we are turning off the television and going outside." They protest sometimes but they rarely put up a fuss when they know what's coming. The timer can be a mom's best friend. After all, if someone was going to shut off a TV show I was watching, I'd want to know ahead of time. If someone came in and shut the TV off in the middle of my show and told me to go outside, I'd be angry!
---5---
Time for sharingSpeaking of the timer, my sister-in-law taught me how to help small children share. When Child #1 has a toy that Child #2 wants, especially if it belongs to Child #2, the best way to help them share is to set a timer. I tell the children that I will set the timer. Child #1 has the toy for five more minutes. When the timer goes off, Child #2 will have the toy for five minutes, then repeat if necessary. By the time the second timer goes off, the children are usually busy with other things.
---6---
Yes, we spank occasionally.I do not like spanking. I do spank my children when they need it. I spank for two types of offenses: blatant disrespect and dangerous behavior. Blatant disrespect is a broad category but mostly involves defiance toward an adult. Dangerous behavior is, for example, biking into the street, playing with something dangerous in the house (electrical outlet!) or pushing a sibling off of the swing set. When the offense takes place, I tell the child to go to my room and wait for me. I get the other children busy and go into my room with the first child, explain what they did wrong, and tell them that I'm going to spank. I deliver one spank for each year of the child's age. After that, they have a time out, at one minute per year of age, to cool off and collect themselves. After time out, they apologize and then I hug them to end the time out.
Spanking doesn't always go by the book--if one of my children continues a naughty behavior and they've had warnings and time outs, I will spank to get my point across. Happily, that doesn't happen often (I don't remember the last time I spanked one of the girls). I do not like to spank.
---7---
My kitchen is not a restaurant ...... and I am not a short order cook. My children eat what I make or they do not eat. If they are struggling with something on their plate, I will tell them to take as many bites as they are years old. Morgan must take six bites. Maddie must take five bites. Noah takes four bites. The bites they are required to eat will allow them to be excused from the table. If they want dessert (on the rare occasion that I serve it) then they must eat everything. If they're struggling with something that I know they're capable of eating, I'll get cookies out of the cupboard as an incentive.
On the other hand, I do not force them to eat things like onions or salsa and the portions that I put on their plates are very small--less than I think they'll actually eat. I try to make things that taste good, are healthy, and are easy to put down. Morgan doesn't like plain tomatoes so I ask her to eat just one piece. Also, I don't ask my children whether or not they want a certain dish. I give them small amounts and I might ask if they want more. The only things I offer a choice on are desserts and condiments. This might surprise you: Madeleine will turn down dessert if she is full!
---8---
Catch the children doing good things.When a child does something that makes me happy, I praise them. I try to notice things that they've done well and point out exactly what it is that pleased me. I praise my children often.
---9---
Don't take a vote if you can't predict the outcome.When it is time to choose an activity or a movie for the whole family, I do not take a vote. Taking a vote only means that I could get four different opinions and only one person could end up happy (and the other three would make him miserable). When we are headed to the park, I pick the park. When we are going to pick up food, I pick the restaurant. Occasionally, I will take one child aside, perhaps the one who needs a little extra love on that day, and ask them what they want to do or eat. Otherwise, I make the decisions.
---10---
Let the kids get dirty.I let my children play in sand and water, sometimes mud if we have adequate time to clean up. If it's messy outdoors where they want to play, I change them into darker clothing.
Part 2 is written and will be published soon.
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