We've started using a new technique to instill discipline in our children. Remember: I define discipline as self control and comportment, not punishment. When reading the Duggars' book, I found that they reward their children with a penny for replying, "Yes, Mom, I'd be happy to." We started there.
Each child has a jar with his name on it. All money goes into the jar, it's like a bank account here in our family room. There is a larger jar with about $30 in change which belongs to Jeremy and me.
If we ask a child to do something and he responds, "Yes, Mom, I'd be happy to," then he receives a penny. If we give the child information and he responds, "Yes, Mom, I understand," then he receives a penny. Those are the two set-in-stone rules. If a child pleases us for any reason, we will tell them what the monetary reward is and put it in their jar. For example, if everyone was well behaved at the store, then I might add a nickel or I might add a quarter. If someone was charitable, good to a brother or sister, or did something kind without being asked, I reward them. If I ask a child to do a chore that is out of the ordinary, I reward them.
We take money away to discourage bad behavior. If I have to ask a child for something a second time, I'll add, "if I ask again, you'll lose five pennies." If Noah throws a temper tantrum, he gets a warning and the gentle count to five to calm himself down. If he can't manage it, he'll lose five pennies. It works well. If the children are being rambunctious in the store, I'll pull them aside and warn them that they're about to lose money. The money taken away goes to my jar.
I found out that the children respond to losing money to a sibling. That is, if Morgan locks Madeleine out of their room intentionally, I will take money from Morgan's jar and put it into Madeleine's jar. If sibling A antagonizes sibling B, I'll put money from A's jar into B's jar. I started doing this only recently but it seems to be working well to help them understand that it's important to treat siblings with respect as well. There are no warnings for mistreatment of a sibling (or of a parent).
We haven't left behind our old methods of punishment: time-outs and loss of privileges, but this addition seems to really register with them. No pun intended. We've also kept other methods of reward: computer time, a video, and tangible rewards such as a piece of candy or a small trinket.
A child may spend his money as long as he leaves $1 in the jar. We exercise control over how they spend--no impulse buying, no candy--but not too much. We do emphasize saving and they don't ask to spend very often.
So far, so good.
Each child has a jar with his name on it. All money goes into the jar, it's like a bank account here in our family room. There is a larger jar with about $30 in change which belongs to Jeremy and me.
If we ask a child to do something and he responds, "Yes, Mom, I'd be happy to," then he receives a penny. If we give the child information and he responds, "Yes, Mom, I understand," then he receives a penny. Those are the two set-in-stone rules. If a child pleases us for any reason, we will tell them what the monetary reward is and put it in their jar. For example, if everyone was well behaved at the store, then I might add a nickel or I might add a quarter. If someone was charitable, good to a brother or sister, or did something kind without being asked, I reward them. If I ask a child to do a chore that is out of the ordinary, I reward them.
We take money away to discourage bad behavior. If I have to ask a child for something a second time, I'll add, "if I ask again, you'll lose five pennies." If Noah throws a temper tantrum, he gets a warning and the gentle count to five to calm himself down. If he can't manage it, he'll lose five pennies. It works well. If the children are being rambunctious in the store, I'll pull them aside and warn them that they're about to lose money. The money taken away goes to my jar.
I found out that the children respond to losing money to a sibling. That is, if Morgan locks Madeleine out of their room intentionally, I will take money from Morgan's jar and put it into Madeleine's jar. If sibling A antagonizes sibling B, I'll put money from A's jar into B's jar. I started doing this only recently but it seems to be working well to help them understand that it's important to treat siblings with respect as well. There are no warnings for mistreatment of a sibling (or of a parent).
We haven't left behind our old methods of punishment: time-outs and loss of privileges, but this addition seems to really register with them. No pun intended. We've also kept other methods of reward: computer time, a video, and tangible rewards such as a piece of candy or a small trinket.
A child may spend his money as long as he leaves $1 in the jar. We exercise control over how they spend--no impulse buying, no candy--but not too much. We do emphasize saving and they don't ask to spend very often.
So far, so good.
11 comments:
Interesting, Aubrey. We are probably a few years off from being able to implement this one, but I like it!
Still hoping to connect with your family sometime soon. Looks like we'll be in Nebraska through Nov. 7th. Maybe y'all want to do a field trip to Dwight or meet in Seward for supper?? We also got a membership to the Children's Museum in Lincoln - maybe we could meet there. Looking forward to it!
I always wonder about the difference between rewards and bribes. Hmmm, I'll have to think about this some more. My parents raised 6 kids and we never got an allowance, or monetary reward. However, they would provide for us whatever we needed, and lots of times, just things we wanted. We had a family business, and everyone had to help out, it was just understood.
We do "bribe" our kids at Mass by letting them pick a piece of candy out of the candy jar at home if they are still and quiet (for the most part) during Mass. This does work well for us.
Very interesting stuff :)
Definitely an idea to ponder and consider!!!
Okay--I totally ran with your idea here Aubrey. I've been trying to come up with something simple to work on very specific things I see as a problem or that drive me bonkers (yelling at a parent or at a sibling, hitting etc.) I catered it to the things that I wanted to specifically have the boys work on & made a chart using some clip art (my boys are little ya know). I posted it on my blog; I'm excited to see how it goes.... Thanks for your post!!
This is an awesome post - thank you!!! What age was your oldest when you started doing this?
That is so funny! Keith and I were just talking last week about how we want (in particular our almost 5 year old) to really work on looking at a person's (adult specifically) face when being spoken to and looking at an adult when speaking, not squirming away as well from questions etc. Sometimes it is a bit overwhelming to think of all the little things we want to teach our kids.
I have noticed that my two older boys seem to be able to have better eye to eye contact within their age group...and I'm guessing this is natural...possibly natural to "shy away" at times when an adult speaks to them..does that make sense? Good luck and much of the it is simply helpful to know other mother's are working on the same things and not alone!!
We have been doing this too Aubrey, since it was brought up at biblestudy awhile back. We started out with a penny for the "Yes Mommy I'd be happy too", but now reward them with pennies as they do other things (get dressed or brush teeth without us asking, share with eachother, etc.) We just use pennies, nothing bigger and they don't seem to care (5 and 3 years old). So far we really wanted to keep this as a purely positive incentive, so we don't take away pennies for bad behavior. But I'm thinking about it after your post, as taking a penny from one jar and giving it to a sibling for being mean may just work. We'll see. Anyway, thanks for the new ideas. I love the penny system!
Love this idea. We're working on polite responses... I'm going to run this by Adam tonight.
I just bought the Duggars book. Your blog post really inspired me to change or just go about reasoning with my children instead of yelling. I feel like I have stuck myself in a rut by yelling hoping someone will really calm me down...NOT GOOD. I watch the Duggars on TLC and love the show so when I saw your post I thought I need this book...I wanted to say thanks. Jennifer
This is very intriguing, Aubrey. I'm never quite sure what to do, though, when it comes to stuff like this because I'm always afraid that the children will only be doing good things to get money or will begin to expect money for anything they do and/or will learn that the reward is the motivation instead of learning to do the right behavior for its own sake. ????? Any thoughts?
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